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Can I just be mentored?
Can I just be mentored?
By Jackie Kohlhepp, SHRM-SCP, LISW-AP
Jaclyn “Jackie Kohlhepp” is the Founder & CEO of The Rez Rev, LLC and President of SHRM Charleston. She is a workforce strategist, entrepreneur, and talent development leader focused on connecting employers and emerging talent.
There's a quote from the movie 10 Things I Hate About You (are any of my fellow Millennials feeling nostalgic?) where Chastity, turns to Bianca and poses the ever-so-deep philosophical question: "I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?"
While I can't answer that timeless question, it did inspire one of my own: Can you ever just be mentored?
We hear a lot about professionals, particularly women, being over-mentored and under-sponsored. Research shows that while many professionals receive career advice and feedback a plenty, they're often less likely to have influential leaders actively advocate for their growth within the organization.
Sponsorship is important. Yet, we don’t want to overlook another question:
Have we forgotten what good mentorship looks like?
In a world where the word “mentorship” is tossed around like a bunch of business cards at a networking event, it’s easy to lose sight of what makes mentorship so meaningful. I believe it is possible to “just be mentored” and when it’s done well, powerful relationships form that lead to long-lasting growth for us and for the environments we impact.
Before we explore what real mentorship is, we’ll begin by exploring what it isn’t.
Up first, overmentorship. Have you ever found yourself receiving more guidance than bargained for from a mentor? I have. So much so that I found myself feeling limited in my ability to grow and less eager to seek feedback or advice.
Overmentorship is making assumptions about the level of support someone needs or doesn’t need without actually knowing what will be most helpful to develop their professional abilities and goals. In other words, it’s more about giving back than moving someone forward.
In my case, someone with more experience generously offered to help me navigate the next steps in my career. The result? Rather than feeling empowered, their approach left me feeling like I needed permission to take my next steps. The intention was well-meant. The execution missed the mark.
Next, undermentorship. This mentorship pitfall occurs when a mentee doesn’t receive enough guidance to grow from their successes and mistakes. When others at the organization might have more access to coaching, support, and feedback, the individual may not have the same access. It’s expecting without equipping someone to succeed.
I have also witnessed firsthand what this sort of relationship looks like. In my case, the mentor missed an opportunity to establish clear guidelines and consistency in the relationship, leading to underdevelopment for the mentee. The mentee confided in me, “I feel like I’m in this alone”.
Individuals do not necessarily decide they want to “undermentor” someone. Sometimes, it occurs due to a lack of mentorship know-how, a lack of time, or even lack of resources.
Having experienced and observed under and overmentorship, I can appreciate true honest to goodness mentorship. The kind that elevates both the mentee AND the mentor.
Let’s define good mentorship:
- A mutually beneficial relationship built on trust: Real mentorship happens when the mentee and the mentor are clear on the expectations, understand the benefits, and commit to a plan that is mutually impactful.
- An emphasis on counsel and feedback: Great mentors serve as guides to help mentees learn from their accomplishments and their challenges. It’s a developmental relationship and often reciprocal with the mentor occasionally finding themselves on the receiving end of knowledge and lessons learned, referred to as reverse mentoring.
- A balance between cozy coaching and challenging conversations: Strong mentorship happens when the mentor and mentee not only discuss what’s going well but broach topics that the mentee may find professionally challenging or tough to discuss. We often grow during those uncomfortable moments and great mentors make those conversations possible safely.
This brings us to our next question: How to be a good mentor?
· Set clear boundaries and define expectations. Both the mentor and mentee should be aligned on the need for mentorship and the purpose. Both should be able to answer: What will change in my career or professional life as a result of this relationship?
· Create mutual guardrails. The mentor and mentee should be committed to the mentoring relationship by setting consistent meetings or related activities (e.g., role-playing, preparing for opportunities, reviewing professional materials, making introductions, etc.), and creating a plan for what will happen during those meetings.
· Build in sponsorship opportunities. Great mentorship makes a pathway for advancement. Mentors should consider how they can incrementally build connections or stretch opportunities for the mentee.
For a mentorship relationship to be a success, both parties need to have the right mindset. This includes-
· Commitment to learning. Both the mentor and mentee must be open to learning from each other, admitting that they don’t know everything, and being honest when things do not go as planned.
· Reciprocal trust. The most powerful mentorship occurs when both parties can take risks (e.g., being vulnerable or asking challenging questions). It’s through that risk-taking that the most powerful growth happens. People do not take risks if there is no trust. Trust is built and grows over time.
Your next step.
If you are currently or are considering mentoring someone, take a moment to self-assess- where do you fall on the mentoring spectrum? Are you creating conditions that lead to true growth or are you just giving advice? Next, ask yourself: What can I do today to make this relationship more meaningful, challenging, and supportive?
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